


all in your head

by Squidbitch



Category: The Penumbra Podcast
Genre: Autistic Juno Steel, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Other, Overstimulation, Panic Attacks, Parental Buddy Aurinko, Peter Nureyev is in Love, Telepathy, We love that for her, but they are ones he has to live with, in the uh. being overwhelmed way, it's not like very intense or anything i don't think but yknow, not the other way., there are also mentions of chronic pain and stuff but it's not really the big Thing in this fic, these are not mind reading powers that Juno likes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-11
Updated: 2021-02-11
Packaged: 2021-03-18 04:20:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,841
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29362386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Squidbitch/pseuds/Squidbitch
Summary: Reading minds had always come a little... too easily for Juno Steel.
Relationships: Buddy Aurinko & Juno Steel, Buddy Aurinko & Vespa Ilkay & Peter Nureyev & Rita & Jet Sikuliaq & Juno Steel, Peter Nureyev/Juno Steel, Vespa Ilkay & Juno Steel
Comments: 19
Kudos: 79





	all in your head

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warnings!!  
> -Implied drug and alcohol use  
> -Panic attacks  
> -There's also one kiss in there  
> Please tell me if there's anything that I missed!!

Juno hates it. 

He’s told that he shouldn’t. He was told that it’s a wonderful thing that he can always simply know what people think of him, told it must make his life so much easier, especially being in the kind of work he used to be in. He’s told that being a detective should be easier if you just  _ know _ all the answers anyways. 

Truth be told, Juno guesses that it  _ is _ easier. Easier to find evidence if they think about where to find it, easier to find the criminal if they just admit to it in their heads. Still, even if Juno knows that the crook did it, it doesn’t always mean he can bust them. The HCPD never takes assholes with a lot of money unless they’ve got shut and tight evidence.  _ “I plucked it from their brain, just trust me.” _ isn’t exactly the most concrete evidence in the world. Certainly not something the police department would ever take seriously. 

So  _ yes _ Juno hates it. Once you’ve lived with something long enough it just becomes normal after a while to you. No matter what it is. That’s just how humans work. That isn’t great when you’re in bad situations, or when something has been hurting so long that you can’t tell what’s a normal ache, and what’s causing you to faint in the driveway leading to your office. 

Juno hates it because to him it  _ isn’t  _ something great to help him. It’s more like bad pain days, or depressive episodes. One of those things that he just has to live with and wishes he didn't have to. In fact, he tries his very best not to know anything he shouldn’t, and not to read other people’s minds in general. People don’t like when you know things you shouldn’t about them. Not that he can’t relate. If someone could know what goes on in his mind day to day, how he thinks, his memories, his fear or his anger, he thinks he would stay away from them as much as possible. He thinks it helps that not everyone knows. He’s never even met anyone other than his mom who could do what he does. One more trait she passed onto him, another weight she threw on his shoulders. 

Sarah Steel lived with this power til the day she died. Some days, Juno doesn’t even know how she did it. Some days it feels only like suffering.

It’s easier now that he's on the Carte Blanche, admittedly. Less people than in a crowded city. He remembers overlapping thoughts and jumbled emotions. They would get so overwhelming at times that Juno wouldn’t be able to do anything but lay in bed, turn out the lights, and cover his ears with his hands for as long as he’s able. On some of those days, Rita would come over. It helps to have thoughts he's more familiar with. 

Even on the Carte Blanche it can get overwhelming even if just because of the troubled minds that live there. Buddy’s constant anxiety and internal stress is a weight of its own. She rehearses constantly. Jet’s silent ache and cravings that Juno understands but only feels double when he's having a bad day with it. If Vespa’s intrusive thoughts or hallucinations get worse than usual, Juno always feels like he’s intruding, not to mention feeling all the horrible things she feels. Rita sometimes thinks a little too fast when she gets excited, which is fine when Juno also feels hyper, but if they have the opposite amounts of energy, it can get a bit tiring. With Nureyev…

He guesses part of it hurts only because he’s in love with him. Some days Nureyev’s head can’t help but plague him with Brahma. Juno tries to avoid it, tries even to focus on someone else’s thoughts. He wants to know these things if or when Nureyev decides to tell him, no matter how curious he is. 

Buddy doesn’t tell him it’s an asset, but she thinks it. She doesn't mean to, of course. It’s always a passing thought of  _ “I would love to be able to read my enemies minds. If the consequences are a few headaches, is there any harm, really?” _ Before she cuts it off with, “ _ Don’t think like that, Aurinko. You've seen how he suffers.” _

He appreciates her, no matter how badly he wants to bite at her sometimes for the former thoughts. He imagines that it's hard always being on a ship with someone who always knows what you’re thinking, someone who can’t even control it. 

Though, as he’s stated before, it does have it’s perks from time to time. 

One day, he and Nureyev are sitting together on a couch. He runs his fingers over His wrist over and over, knows that it aches but the rubbing soothes it. Juno feels comfortable, and Nureyev is more looking at their hands or looking at Juno than paying attention to the movie. It's nice to have time together like this. He can know that Jet is busy working with the Ruby7, Rita is calling Franny, while Buddy and Vespa are chatting in their room. It feels comfortable like that, knowing that everyone is okay right then. 

Nureyev looks at him again, and Juno can feel the surge of emotion with it. It sidles next to his own feelings. He can hear specifically what Nureyev likes about him.  _ “So warm.” _ He thinks.  _ “So soft and gentle. A goddess, honestly. He's like a sun, when I look at him, light more of a feeling than anything. I want to kiss him. Does he want to kiss me anymore? I know he still must feel for me romantically, but does he want to kiss me still? Does he feel the way I feel for him? That seems impossible. These feelings are so significant, how could they ever be reflected by someone else?” _

“You can ask, y’know.” Juno blurts out, leaning back a little to look at him. “You’re never gonna know if you don’t, and I’d never judge you for asking.” 

Nureyev looks at him slightly confused for a second. “What do you mean, darling?” He is genuinely confused for a second, before he puts the pieces back together. Then the realisation blooms across his face, and Juno can feel his embarrassment so acutely he doesn’t know whether to cover his face or laugh. “Ah, you were…”

“Not on purpose!” Juno reassures him. “You’re just really close to me so it's easier to overhear your thoughts?” He doesn’t like the word “hearing”. It’s not like hearing at all, but he doesn’t have a better word for it. It just  _ feels _ like thinking, except with multiple sets of thoughts. Always and constant, never ending unless someone ends. “Sorry,” Juno says, confidence dissipating from what it was a few moments ago. “I didn’t mean to, uh, make you feel embarrassed about it or anything. I don’t  _ mind _ that you think about me like that, obviously, but I shouldn’t have said…”

But Nureyev doesn’t feel embarrassed anymore. Only a soft, loving feeling that Juno doesn’t quite understand in this context. “You have nothing to apologize for, Juno. Though you said that I can just ask?”

He laughs a little bit. “I mean, I won’t guarantee that I’ll always kiss you when you ask for it, but I would appreciate you asking either way, instead of just sitting there thinking about it and not  _ knowing _ if I’d say yes or no. I’m right here, I don’t mind you just asking.”

Juno can feel an inkling of anxiety worm it’s way into Nureyev’s head. “Do you  _ want _ to kiss me?” He asks, can feel his fear spike briefly as he does.

Juno feels a little flustered as he answers, “ _ Yes, _ ” automatically. 

So Peter parts his wrist gently from where Juno’s fingers had gone slack around it, and puts it soft on his jaw. For a moment, Nureyev just looks at him, and Juno can hear him cataloguing.  _ Long eyelashes, eyepatch, scars, the way his lips curve, the way his hair falls. He’s lovely, I’m so lucky to- _

“So are you gonna kiss me, or are you just gonna keep being a sap in your head?” Juno snarks, face heating up. It always felt weird, seeing how other people see him. It’s always a little nerve wracking, all the different ways. Nureyev’s is  _ unbearably _ fond. Love that he doesn’t say, that Juno feels just the same whether from Nureyev’s mind or his own heart. He’s kind to him even in his own head. It was strange and upsetting seeing a mixture of those emotions with how upset he felt. He felt so betrayed, and yet continued trying to deny that fact. The massive surge of jealousy in a room filled with so many people when he saw him hitting on Zolotovna had powered through Juno for just a moment. Hearing him in his head, furious, but unable to admit to himself  _ why _ was kind of hilarious. 

“Just looking at you, love.” Nureyev says with a smile, sharp teeth poking out from his lips. “You’re very pretty, you know.” Then feels that fond amusement when Juno flusters even more. It doesn’t help knowing that Nureyev is being completely honest either. Juno  _ knows _ he’s pretty, because he’s not an idiot and he hears everyone say it in their heads. It’s different, though, hearing someone say it out loud and know that it’s true. 

Juno pushes him on the shoulder playfully. “Don’t be an asshole.” Then leans forward himself and kisses him himself.

Through kisses, and the way Nureyev’s fingers intertwine with his own, he thinks that maybe it really isn’t so bad. He knows that Nureyev feels good, that he wants to be close to him, that he’s very happy kissing Juno. It scares him a little, this being their first kiss since back then, but it’s nice to know that he isn’t alone in feeling this way. A reminder he never was. 

Juno tries to remind himself about that on the heist a few weeks after that. He was sort of comfortable or even happy with his telepathy at the time. It’s not the same now, though. He’s at a party. It’s not like he’s never  _ been _ to a party. He used to go to a lot of clubs and parties back in the day, but that was when he was ten times less sober, and less adamant on keeping it that way. Alcohol or some highs have always helped him stay present during those times.

He’s already got enough anxiety running through him knowing that it’s Buddy that he’s with. Then hearing all these people’s thoughts. It’s so crowded that their thoughts overlap with talking and the flashing lights, the way people keep bumping into him or accidentally touching him, or asking him if they can buy him a drink. He feels trapped, he feels dizzy like the whole universe is stuttering. The people here are rich and pompous assholes. They have the worst, most vile thoughts that he’s ever heard all in one place. 

It’s not anything he’s not heard before. Hell, he’s lived with people with thoughts even worse than these even directed  _ towards _ him. It’s just so many of them. The thought that there are so many people who think these horrible things so passively kills him a bit. It makes him sick. 

He can feel someone’s hand on his arm. Everything is so jumbled that he can’t even tell  _ whose _ until he gets a good look at her. She feels worried, and is thinking something like,  _ “Oh, dear. I’ve made a mistake, putting him in a situation like this, what was I thinking?” _ He can’t even focus on her thoughts for very long as someone brushes up against his back, and he has to stop himself from reflexively punching them. 

He wants to tell her it’s not her fault, that it’s  _ his _ for thinking he could do this without using something to tide him over. Instead what comes out when he speaks are his quick breaths, and, “I’m going to the bathroom.” Before rushing out as quickly as he can. 

He knows that he locks a stall behind him, and that he sits a toilet seat down before sitting on it and running his hands over his face over and over. He covers his ears, and shuts his eye as tight as he can. It can only help so much. He’s alone in the bathroom right now but he can still feel all the emotions and know all the thoughts of everyone just a room away. It makes him want to scream until all he can feel is his own frustration, and not how pissed the heiress of titan is that her drink isn’t still cold. 

He is officially overwhelmed, feels like he’s drowning, like he’s dying. Everything feels like too much right then. He wants to get out there and help Buddy with the mission. She’s counting on him, and so is everyone else. He wants to help people, and taking down their mark would help so many people. 

His chest is tight. He feels cramped on all sides. Crowded alone in this bathroom. He can’t ever escape from that. He wishes they were back up in space with only their crewmates. At some point it stopped feeling eerily quiet up there and instead peaceful. He became so familiar with his crewmates thoughts that it became a comfort to be all the way up in space. At first it was so lonely, and freaked him out that it was so quiet. He’d become more accustomed to it when there hadn’t been time for relief. Pros and cons to traveling through space, he guesses. He wouldn't give it up, and he knows that. Even if he didn't get those breaks in between, he loves these people too much to leave them over something like that. 

He wants to be back on the ship right now with their singular thoughts, ones that he's been comfortable with for a long time. He can't stand this. 

He hears a knock on the bathroom stall. Throughout the cascade of emotion and thoughts that aren’t his own, the sound startles him. Although overwhelmed, the bathroom had been quiet. 

“Juno darling, are you in there?” Its Buddy, can understand her thoughts a little more precisely now that she’s closer, but they still get mangled in with so many others just outside the door. 

“Yeah,” he chokes out. 

She feels anxious, and he tries to power through all the other mismatched words to get through to hers. “I’ve let Jet know that we need to bring the car around.” She tells him through the door. He doesn’t even have to sift through in order to find her feelings of guilt, they’re strong enough and unique enough in a cascade of self absorbed bullshit that is the mindset of most of the attendants at this party, that he can just feel it poking through.

It’s not a good emotion, but it’s significant enough that it calms him down enough to open the door. It’s steady and prominent, and it isn’t drowned out. Part of him doesn’t even want to reassure her for the relief that comes with her steady guilt. 

“I’m not dying or anything, Buddy.” He says, more steady. He thinks that not having everyone in close proximity  _ is _ helping. No one is thinking anything about him right now, that he can tell except for the guard lady close to the bar, about how she wanted to buy him a drink, and Buddy in front of him. “I told you that I wanted to come on this one, knowing it would be hard for me. It was my fault really.”

She thinks, “ _ Yes, but I knew it was going to be hard for you. Putting a lady who can read minds not of his own volition in a crowd, what on earth was I thinking?” _

“You were  _ thinking _ ,” Juno snaps without meaning to, steadies his voice a little after that. “That you weren’t going to be able to have anyone else help you with this. You trusted me to know what I could handle. I did, but I wanted to help if no one else could, and decided to power through when i shouldn’t have. It’s  _ my fault _ for pretending this would be okay. For thinking I could handle something that I couldn’t.” He can’t explain any better than that, the words from others starting to get mixes and jumbled in his head. “I just…” he digs the heels of his palm into his eye, tries to shut out their thoughts but he can’t. He’s never been able to shut out what other people are thinking. “I didn’t expect them to be like this. God, just. They’re  _ horrible _ , Buddy.” He wishes his voice didn’t waver like that. He feels like sobbing. “This many people think like that in their day to day lives. I hate it. I hate feeling their feelings knowing that they really do feel that entitled, and vindicated. The way they rationalize it in their heads. I’ve heard worse, but hell, god. Why are there so  _ many _ people that think like this?” He wipes frantically at his eye, trying to stop the tears before they come. It’s too much, it’s always too much. Some days even being on the Carte Blanche will overwhelm him with just the way that all these people think. “And I want to  _ do _ something. I want to help, but it’s all I can do to not just curl up in a ball right now. I’m too overwhelmed to even  _ try  _ to help you with the heist.”

“We can play the blame game later, darling.” She tells him, and he can still feel her guilt. As much as he hates to admit it, it is comforting to feel one so consistently. “Right now, what can I do to make this easier?”

“I don’t know.” He shakes his head, starting to get overwhelmed again. He can feel it creep up in his shoulders. He keeps his eye squeezed shut against the loud harsh lights in the bathroom. He squeezes his arms around himself until he can feel more pressure around his chest. Belatedly, he thinks he should have worn some compression around there today. “Maybe turning out the light, and staying close to me. It’s easier when it’s just one person close to me, because then their thoughts are more… it’s inconsistent and choppy when it’s a lot of people. Overlaps over each other more. Being in there, super close with a lot of people was kind of hell.”

She leaves him there for a moment to find the lightswitch, which seems like she finds easily. That’s almost instantly relieving. Then she stands next to him in the stall, and asks, “Would it be better if you had physical touch?”

“Please don’t.” He says. “It’s so much more overwhelming when people touch me and it’s like this.”

He tries to focus on her, though. It’s easier, since there’s a room between him and the people and the party, while Buddy is so close to him. 

She just stands there with him, and it  _ is _ easier. She’s right there beside him, which in of itself is comforting. Her thoughts are familiar, even though she feels worried and is going on a rerun of blaming herself. He would tell her to stop, but he knows as well as anyone that asking someone to stop thinking about something only makes them think about it more. He’ll try to reassure her more when talking doesn’t feel like wading through sand. She always feels anxious or guilty in some way, though he wishes this didn’t have to add onto it. 

Jet does bring the car around, and apologizes for the delay. He says that he didn’t want to blow their cover at all. Juno slides into the back seat, where Vespa is. She feels anxious as well, but they’re outside of the building. Juno feels better. She starts to shine a light in his eye, muttering about how he “can’t push himself like that” and how she “doesn’t even know anything about his mind reading, so if something fucks it up she can’t fix it.” Mostly, he knows that she just cares. It’s a nice feeling, coming from her. So often she’s guarded up even in her head. Scared, he thinks. Something he knows well for himself. He knows that she really does try her best to keep everyone on the ship (though admittedly more Buddy than anyone, and Ransom less than everyone) as healthy as she can. Her contingency plans are only security. It grants her a feeling of safety, knowing exactly what she will do if it ever comes down to it. 

Once back on the ship, she still sits him down in the med-bay, gets him some water and medicine for his headache. “How are you feeling now, Steel?” 

Honestly, a little like hell still. He knows now that Buddy did steal what she needed from their mark, but she did it by herself when Juno should have been helping her. His head hurts, and that kind of stress always makes his body ache a little bit more than usual. “Better.” He says truthfully. No longer so overwhelmed. Right now he just wants to go to sleep, all wrapped up in a big blanket and away from everyone. He’s felt crowded so much, he just wants to be by himself. 

Well, maybe Nureyev being there as well wouldn’t hurt. Just to be by his side. Right now, Juno knows that Nureyev is making some tea in the kitchen, and a hot chocolate for Juno. It’s sweet of him.

The check-up, and Vespa’s lecture will be over soon. Right now, he just sits and breathes. Familiarity in these people feels like comfort more than comfort at some times when people would try to do so for him. It feels warm to be with them on this ship in the middle of space. He still kind of hates it. 

But when it’s just them, his family and the people he loves never judging him and comfortable enough with him as well to not usually be upset at what he could find in their heads, he doesn’t feel trapped with this knowledge or on a time limit of when it will finally consume him and make him turn out just like Ma. It just feels like any part of him. Like the pace of Rita’s speech, or how tall Jet is, the way Nureyev’s hair falls around his shoulders, the cadence of his words when he’s anxious. He feels less alone here, and less crowded at the same time.

This being normal to him doesn’t mean he doesn’t feel like an asshole or a weirdo because of it. And yet, he feels normal  _ with them _ . There’s no better feeling in the world than that sometimes. 

**Author's Note:**

> AAAA!! I've been trying to get back into writing tpp stuff lately. Yall tell me what you think.   
> No song title for this one, since it's just a very generic title.   
> as always come talk to me on twitter @/c0wb0yandy i post tpp stuff there sometimes.  
> But pls, comments in my mouth.


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